I don't know who stumbles upon this old blog, but I have start blogging again and my new home is here. A lot has changed in the last 2 years. Not sure if the link is working so I will typr the address out. artifical-sweetener.blogspot.com

I'm stuck reading Turgenev for my Fiction class. Its dreadful I tell you, DREADFUL!!! Ok, maybe not that bad. The short stories that I'm concentrating on out love stories and it got me thinking about happiness. Is there any truth to what Turgenev writes or purely fiction?

Tomorrow I'll be happy! Happiness has no tomorrow. It has no yesterday. It does not remember the past, it does not think of the future.It only has a present time-and that's not a whole day, but only an instant.

I accidently bought a new purse..pretty huh

...and it wouldn't be complete w/o the wrislet

I need to find a shopoholic anonymous meeting..fast, but It would be my luck that its in between The Gap & Aldo

In search of my piece of mind

I don’t want to give to much away, but I’m embarking on a heartbreakers series, I’ve been searching through and through to find out were all of my ex-lovers/boyfriends stand. I use lovers because some were slowly that. I guess I have some unanswered questions in general about life and I would like to know as I embark on new journeys and continue along with old ones. I thoughts that I would throw some letters, phone calls and emails out there and see if anything came back to me. I didn’t even think I would want to know anything. Well I found out that I was only lying to myself and once you start looking and searching you can’t stop. I’m trying to find out were things went wrong and when my search for answers actually begun in my life. I got a response back. So, here is the email I sent and the one I got back….I still wonder. Were my questions really answered?

My email:

Every fiber in my being is telling me that I should not be doing this. But I have to for my piece of mind. And it might come off as just simply trite. But WHY? I obviously wasn't good enough. Or to good? After the last 2 years in therapy I still don't know what the hell went wrong, but I know it had something to do with me. I have figured out that much. I guess you can respond or not. That is at your discretion. But some answer would be nice, just to close this door in my life once and for all.

The Response:

You heard me not a problem, but an actual addiction I have bought 5 pairs of shoes in the last 3 days. I only have four posted there so puuurrrty. The other pair is hiding out in the trunk of my car, but after much deliberation I think they are going back this week anyway....here you go, take a look.

CM decided that as far as renting movies we would become part of the netflix craze, ok I’m game, even though I spend more time tweeking the list then he does. Anyway, I finally got Sex and the City Season 6, part 2, disc 3 with all of the alternate endings and deleted scenes from all six seasons. It took me almost 2 weeks to finally watch it and it was not worth it. Wasted time when we could have had another movie. Anyway, I didn’t remember dropping it in the mail box the next day because I never left the house and as I recall the return envelope had fallen off a box and I left it there because I knew I would remember it there. Well by Saturday last weekend I remember I had yet to drop it in the mail and CM had said nothing about not getting it back (I’m thinking he’s learning and the best is to let me be). I figured I’ve did it again and I’m going to have to retrace steps and search or the disk, so I put it on my to-do list for the week. Well last night he had a movie to watch, oops, I figure he’s going to say something to me and nothing. Then I asked, which can sometimes lead you right into trouble, but hey what do I have to do. He said that it had gone back. “Huh?” How was that possible I asked myself? As far as I was still concerned it was just floating around and had not been captured. But it had and by who. I want to know…so right now I’m a little baffled because I swear it wasn’t me or I’m starting to have black outs.

Aaaarrrruuugggggghhhhhh!! !!

Its Monday and the first day of spring break for me.

Spring Break…YES!

That’s what I thought, I was ready for a week of sitting on the couch, drinking coffee all day and chain smoking and ON DEMAND tv. Last night was the beginning I attempted to stay up and watch Jeepers Creepers 2. I finally went to bed and couldn’t get comfy, I had the craps from hell last nigh. All I could do was hold my stomach and let out silent cries. They finally went away and I think I managed to get an hour of sleep before they returned again. By now it was almost 5:30 in the morning, I knew my mother would be up soon, I grabbed my stomach again and tossed & turned, not knowing I was making any noises, my mother came in to see me. I said, “CRAPS!” “I’M DYING!” She came back with water and a few pills in hand came me one and told me to take another around noon or so. I finally woke up about 10:30 this morning, no pain at all. I still don’t know what it is that she gave me or what I’m going to take another one of , but it is heaven, with the one problem that I don’t think I can operate heavy machinery today.

Then as I sit in my agony knitting this afternoon I hear this noise, its sharp and pitchy and sounds like an alarm. I start looking out all of the windows and I see nothing around. A few people walking and that’s all. Then I wonder. Are we being invaded? Is that the warning sound? Did I miss the neighborhood memo on what to do in case the terrorist alarm goes off? Oh my God! What do I take? All I have on are shorts and a robe, do I get dressed? Call someone? Who? Anybody!!!!!!!!???????

...you should always go with it.

Ok, so CM & I have been discussing our future and what the future holds is us being together. I didn't really want to spread the news so fast and loud. But we have together and sepearately told friends & some family that we plan on marrying and I guess I've just told tblog as well. Most of my friends have been happy with me, even my mother is okay with the decision. But the one friend I haven't told. Melissa, becuase she is so gun-ho that her relationship is better then mine and she will be the first to get married and have kids. NEWS FLASH!!! IT'S NOT A RACE!! Well I decided to have lunch with her today and somewhat in a passive aggressive way decided to tell her what our plans are, mainy I'm letting people know becuase I will be leaving Chicago as well.

She becomes all quiet and says, "I won't bother to tell you what my opinion is." WTF is that suppose to mean? I'm so I didn't ask you for your permission, let me rephrase this for you, "Melissa, is it okay if I marry CM & move out of state and be happy with the rest of my life, becuase I am an adult and have made my own decision?" Then I wait for her to say, "NO!" and then I race to call CM, "Hey Babe, I just spoke to Melissa and I'm sorry, but we can't marry and I will never leave Chicago, have a nice day!" I think not it doesn't work like that.

Then she proceeds to ask questions, "Are you going to have kids?" "Isn't he going to be like 60, if you do?" "When did this all come about?" "WHY?" "WHY?" "WHY?" I then decide to just finish my thought and leave it be.

It really pisses me off that she wants to cruch my moment, my happiness, becuase her and psycho are a wrong match and either one of them is willing to admit it. I would never say anything of the sort to a friend, unless I thought her safety and well-being was going to be endangered.

But hey, now she knows and I don't have to bring up the subject with her for awhile. But I guarentee she will bring it up everytime we talk. I'm even shaking as I write this, becuase my blood level has overheated and is boiling at the moment. I'm going to calm down and wait until tonight to discuss this with CM.

I'm sitting at the my pc reading blogs, checking email, just the usually to delay having to get ready for my day. I finally decide that I've done enough and think hey, let me check out the weather since its on my screen anyway. Bad Idea! Its is 16'F out side! 16!!! This is the moment were I go back to bed and say fuck the world, but I can't.

The conversations in my head keep getting crazier and crazier I'm going to have to share. But I have to meet with my Econ professor & then my advisor this morning. Good or bad I'm not ready for what he has to tell me. If it wasn't for my nagging mother I wonder if I would even bother with school sometimes.

Lets just say first off that I have no problem with anyone who is in love, but are people aware that there is healthy love and unhealthy love? I don't think so. Now granted everybody loves differently but at what cost?

I myself have had three relationships in the past 4 yrs vs. my best friend who has had about a dozen and I really don't think I'm being mean at all. Also let me clarify relationships from dating...I have been on dates and semi dated more then 3 men, but actual relationships..now that I look at it more like 2 instead of 3 we all know 'hubby' was a bad idea. Anyway she never dates anyone she goes out with someone decides that they are the one and is in love with them until someone better comes along and she seems to think that this is ok. But I think she needs to learn to be independent from a man and not love every guy she meets. From this I have learned not to say anything to the new beaus and sit back and enjoy her behavior.

Don't get me wrong here I love her dearly and want the best for her, but I wish that she wanted the best for herself. With the latest guy who I have now dubbed pyscho, becuase in the span of 10 minutes decided to call all of Chicago and surrounding suburbs looking for her after he told her that he needed a break and not to call. Melissa & psycho are in love and according to her aim away message its "Happy 8 months". It take a fetus longer then that to fully develope with low risk of complications what makes you think that your relationship is ok. Some days I just give up. CM and I have been together longer then her and pyscho and never once have we been through anything that these two have. And she tells me she is going to get married before me and might I ad divorced even faster.

Granted know one else really knows what goes on behind the private doors of any ones relationship. But you can guarentee if everyone she knows in Chicago knows about her business then it isn't much to guess that we don't know about. Brad and Jen keep their business more private then these two.

I guess I'm done ranting for the moment...and I'm missing my CM like crazy he has left me to have a weekend in Boston with some friends. I opted to stay here in Chicago, but after 8 hrs I regretted it.

So, its late saturday morning and I should be reading, studying and making flash cards. CM had to work for a few hours, so I figure a few hours to myself. I walked inside after breakfast and straight to the computer to play jigsaw dective on pogo.com.

I'm officially sad & lazy....it's naptime.

Fellow tbloggers have you ever...lied to someone and at the time being thought you were protecting this someone but only hurt them?

Lets play tblog....answer and pass it on, then create your own, have you ever.....

The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occassion, some maybe correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say "no"- they may not be smart enough to say "yes".

--Keith Olbermann

I thought that I would spark some conversation a little bit. I was cleaning out some email files and found this its from November 2003. But hey I'm sure nothing has changed....but I would love to see what people have to say.

BIG-BOOBED gals have a new reason to stick out their chests with pride. A surprising study proves they're more intelligent than their small-breasted sisters!

The study of 1,200 women conducted by Chicago sociologists comes in the wake of a recently released report stating that blonde rocket scientists outnumber brunettes.

"Although I hate to admit it, we found that women with big busts average 10 IQ points higher than less well-endowed women," reveals lead researcher Dr. Yvonne Rossdale, herself a meager 32A.

"The myth that women with voluptuous figures are not smart should now be shelved, along with the misconception that all blondes are dumb."

Dr. Rossdale measured the busts of women in Illinois, Kansas and Ohio and then divided them into five categories: Extra-small, Small, Medium, Large and Extra-large. These categories roughly corresponded to commercially available bra sizes, A, B,C, D and DD or above.

She then gave subjects in each category a standard IQ test and found that women in the Large and Extra-large category scored an average of 10 points higher than women in the Small and Extra-small categories. Medium-sized ladies had a three- to four-point edge over the flat-chested group.

"This is a wake up call to employers to drop the notion that women with large breasts are dumb," Dr. Rossdale says.

"Rather than automatically assuming that a woman with tremendous 'hooters' belongs in the typing pool, she should be considered for the executive track."

Experts aren't sure why bigger headlights translate into more brain power.

"One theory is that the female hormone estrogen, which is responsible for breast development and is also believed to give women extra protection from heart disease, may also play a role in intelligence," Dr. Rossdale says.

American women have the largest breasts in the world and our nation's knockers have been increasing in volume with each generation. According to a recent report, the average U.S. cup size has ballooned to an impressive C.

That, the sociologists speculate, may explain why the United States leads the world in science and technology.

"Well-endowed women, many of them shyly concealing their assets behind lab coats in research and development departments across the country, could be considered America's secret weapon," the researcher observes.

The false notion that bosomy babes are dumber than those who sport teensy "mosquito bites" is probably the fault of men, the sociologists theorize.

"It may simply be that men pay less attention when a large-breasted woman speaks," suggests Dr. Rossdale.

"She could accurately explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity to him, but if he's transfixed by her cleavage, it's doubtful he'll remember a single word she said. He'll remember her as sexy but stupid."

No child gets up in the morning and says, I want to go to preschool today and not learn anything. So why do 30% of kids enter kindergarten without the skills they need to succeed in school? Simple: While all parents have a desire to help, some may have a lack of experience about what helps kids succeed. So lets stop blaming parents and start helping them.

--Aaron Liebermann

I almost agree with that except I really feel that people should have to take a test before they bring their child home. You have to enable to become a doctor and lawyer.

Ok, more like a bad idea revisited this is from a blog entry Februaury 1 of last year. I'm convinced that I was on something when all that was going on. Its a harsh reality to even read what I wrote, but then again, I'm glad that I've grown since then and left the meds behind...Oh...I was a fool!

Well, me and my hubby decided that we would go to Vegas and get maried in the Little White Wedding Chapel, like Britney did. Except we could never come home becuase our parents would kill us. But, I met his parents and he was pretty happy becuase his mom liked me, i'll see about that. Didn't seem to warm of a welcome to me. But anyway, he told me that he loved me tonight. Now I know anyone else would be jumping up and down. And considering I refer to him as my hubby, I just couldn't say it back. I don't know what it is, but I need sometime to process things, becuase once I say it thats it for me. SO what to ponder is it really worth it? HELL YEAH IT IS!!!!!!!! I Love him and this is the man I plan on Marrying.

When I was growing up, there weren't any women playing basketball on TV, and I was just another little girl wearing a Michael Jordan jersey, it shows me how far we've come, and I feel a tremendous responsibility. SHould athletes be role models? I can't answer for anyone else, but for me, its an honor.

--Sue Bird

Appetizer- if you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?

I would be a teacup yorkie, there very tiny dogs that can be prissy as well as fiesty.

Soup- What does the color purple make you think of?

Sad to say, but it makes me think of a friend that I no longer speak to.

Salad-Approximately how long does it take you to get ready each morning?

The almighty question, accumulated time it takes about 25 minutes to get ready, but it can take me anywhere from 2 hours to 10 minutes...go figure.

Main Course- How many cousins do you have, and are you close to them?

8, that are biologically related to me. And I'm somewhat close to two of them.

Dessert- Take your initials( first, middle, last) and come up with something else those letters could stand for.

DGD- Dirty Girly Doggy...I got nothing...maybe someone else can come up with something better.